Lost

 

It's been 8 years since I last wrote here. Life has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, which is a dumb thought because it's really creeping up on you all the time. Maybe it's not that I don't expect it to, but that I've grown tired of lying in wait for its next great slapper of an event. 

I don't want to be self pitying, I know that life happens and that much of what has happened, I've brought upon myself. The me that's done all of that- I'd love to deny that its well and truly who I am at the core of my being. And yet I find myself less and less able to argue that some part of me maybe wanted to fail. Some part of me was looking for a way out that didn't involve actually admitting some sort of defeat. Perhaps I wanted to hit rock bottom, in a hope that it would truly change me. Without wanting to sound cliche, everytime I seemed to hit some sort of rock bottom, the rock cracked and gave way to another fresh pit for me to tumble down all over again. 

I can't, and won't, recap the last 8 years. I'm stuck in a cycle of imagining what point of the past I'd reset me life to to truly have the life I want, and it feels like I'm using that to cope with how hard it is to actively make those changes in the present. That said, I'm also caught in a trap right now. It's a great trap with some sort of end date that isn't as far away as it feels but also one that makes it tough to look forward to the future after it. I'm almost afraid of fully embracing the life I have right now, but I don't quite know why. I guess to some extent my brain is still hoping I can go back and live a life of solitary, depressed, hedonism, just live to forget everything around me. And the truth that really I'm mostly terrified that I'm going to be alone for another sweet while just doesn't help at all. 

I could list all the things I need to start doing to have some chance of enjoying life instead of just wavering around a point slightly below normal, but quite frankly that's not why I'm here right now. I don't know why I'm here. Some part of me must have felt that the therapy option that i think I have is still a daunting prospect and I could do with letting the thoughts in my mind out? The last thing that came to mind before some subconscious train of thought led me here was along the lines of me internally screaming into a pillow. 
I'm not a lost cause. I try to remind myself of that now and again, even if it feels like I'm closer to lost than I am to anything else. Lost in all senses: in a place where I know no one and no thing, lost in a job where I think i know what i'm doing and yet feel like the knowledge is always just out of reach, lost in a group of people who I barely exist alongside for the convenience of not being physically alone, lost without papa to phone up and talk to. Lost without a real place that my brain says is "home". I know ma has a house, and didi has a house, but I feel like the idea of home crumbled with papa's ashes. Even if I didn't quite visit enough, the feeling of entering the house to the smell of ma's cooking, giving her a big hug and then the same with papa was the most "home" I felt for the last 8 years. And the second closest was maybe coming back to manchester, pulling into the coach or train station and feeling a sigh of relief leave my mouth. And now I have neither. I have ma and her home, yes. And I know she wants it to be ours but I don't feel london to be my home. Apart from her, I barely feel like I have anything there that truly brings my heart and soul any peace. 

Take a ride on my train of thought.

Hello there, I suggest you brace yourself because I honestly have no clue what I'm about to write.

I'm quite lucky in that this isn't a professional blog, I don't do this for work; This blog is an outlet for excess thoughts on unnecessary matters that I have. It gives me the freedom to post as rarely as I want, and as freely as I want. Of course, I can't risk upsetting the lizard people overlords but it's okay, they don't really read this anyway (Not that many people do)

Procrastination is a thing.

This blog post is, as I write it, my way of procrastinating some physics work that I really do not want to do. I've found that I most enjoy procrastinating when it's productive, when I get something out of it. I'd started some music production which was going well until I remembered my laptop is from 2008 and so processing all those plugins and samplers was not going to go down too well for now (I tried, it didn't). Blogging on the other hand, just typing out words on the Blogger website, is something my laptop manages just fine. So I'll go for this. I've managed to teach myself the guitar to some extent, learn the Russian alphabet, completely re-organise my desk and I still haven't managed to get any work done. I can handle maths and Spanish. But physics? Even just choosing it as an A Level I doubted my choice and was more or less pushed in its direction. Yes, I'm not failing it but neither am I excelling at it! It's almost like a parachute tied to my back that's just pulling me back while I trundle ahead toward the beauty of mathematics and languages. I was going to make that a joke about drag or whatever but bleh. Of course, I've come too far to drop it now but I sure as hell won't do it next year. Yes, Spanish can be something of a pain as well. But it's something I love, and want to learn. Physics has genuinely become a burden. Point being, anything but my physics work at this moment would be great. I'd rather sit here and just solve trigonometric equations all day. 

(No I'm not saying that because I want to say a maths word and seem smart, I was doing that this morning as last minute homework and at school about 3 hours ago so shut up.) 

As is apparent, or should be apparent, I definitely enjoy language-y things. And yes, this blog serves the purpose of English language outlet. If my school offered English language, I would definitely have chosen it. I was actually going to do Japanese or Music Tech this year instead of Physics. Considering I scored better grades in GCSE Japanese and Music than I did in Physics, I think that would've been the better choice. But then "physics opens doors". It's alright though, I'll open my own.

Choices are important. Yes I'm only 17 I can't have made any massive choices yet! But choices don't have to be big to make a big difference. As I said to my friend a couple of weeks ago, maybe the underwear I decided to wear today will mean something big in a couple of days time? I can't possibly judge what any choice means, no one can. I prefer not to have a deterministic view of the world. I don't even know what this blog post is about and I wrote it. I chose to write it. The only effect that decision had was that I considered writing it. I did, however, know that it was unlikely to have any true sense of direction. Personally, I think that just makes the blog that much more "alive". Because I'm literally writing everything as it comes to mind. Obviously making sure to correct every mistake I make.

 If I didn;t it would look like this, very small potentially unnoticalbe mistakes that just hppend because of how fast I'm typing or my finger hnd positioningon the keyboard.

Point being, I like this way of writing because it reflects on what the blog is named. It's my own little mind cave, open for public viewing. Just, censored for a little while. Maybe when I go to university I'll include some even more interesting, possibly controversial thoughts/experiences? For now, we'll keep it rated a 12A. 

I'll stop there. Feel free to comment on what I've typed out. 

Hasta luego.